Philosophy

It’s Good to be Good

For several decades I have written and taught about the key expressions of an unselfish love that affirms the lives of self and others:

1. Celebration is an acknowledgement of shared joy that positively affects people around us, and reflects gratitude.
2. Helping others in ways small and large, while setting an example of generous behavior for others.
3. Forgiveness frees us from inner turmoil and opens up the possibility of reconciliation based on meaningful apology.
4. Carefrontation addresses destructive behaviors in individuals and injustices in society while still maintaining an underlying concern for the well-being of everyone without exception.
5. Humor is the gift of reframing a situation with loving laughter. It’s just hard to imagine loving someone you can’t laugh with a bit. Mirth is the lightness of love.
6. Respect means taking others seriously in their opinions and life journeys, striving for genuine civility in discourse, and practicing basic etiquette in speech and behavior.
7. Attentive listening requires a focused and full presence, undistracted and unhurried.
8. Compassion is responding wisely to suffering when we see it.
9. Loyalty demonstrates the human ability to bond deeply and meaningfully with others. Commitments must sometimes be set aside, but never frivolously.
10. Creativity is the tool that allows unique, personalized expression of our love for others.

As a sixteen year old at an Episcopal boarding school in New Hampshire, I was struck by the somewhat mystical idea that the only possible alternative to deep-seated hatreds between groups and individuals is to find meaning in unselfish love. In more pessimistic moments, love seems like a very thin veneer over a cauldron of hatred and violence, but it is still our only hope. One of my dorm supervisors, Julie Norman, remembers back: “You were definitely unconcerned with the things that concerned other kids your age. I thought you were either going to fail miserably or succeed uniquely.” I enjoyed regularly tutoring French Canadian kids at a nearby elementary school just across Pleasant Street. I studied the African-American thinker Howard Thurman, who identified love as the underlying reality in our lives and in the universe. I wrote a senior paper on Love and Augustine under the guidance of Rev. Rod Wells.

In college I was most interested in human evolution and ethology (animal behavior). In graduate school at the University of Chicago I wrote a PhD dissertation on how it is that we are creatures who only achieve real lasting happiness by being unselfish, for in the giving of self lies the discovery of a deeper self.

All spiritual and philosophical traditions of value exhort us to move past the sense that “I am the center of the universe…” to a real concern for others as others. The individual needs to have confidence that “I am the right person at the right moment to do good to this person right beside me, and to everyone I encounter.” Plato was right – virtue really is it’s own reward. We tend to feel better when we live generously.

Even in the worst of times, we are people of inner love and good will, and bringing this forth saves us; not bringing it forth destroys us. Of course, we are bombarded by the “news” of hatred and wanton violence with all the nonstop updates that make it seem even worse. And so many websites and lyrics cultivate a culture of hatred that spirals ever downward, turning the hearts of otherwise good people into destructive and self-destructive darkness. So we all need to “keep our eyes on the helpers” who bring forth kindness despite harsh times.

I have worked in a medical school for 19 years and am convinced by a whole lot of good science that it’s good to be good. When we live at least as much for others as for self we discover a kind of fulfillment and wellness. It makes sense – spiritual traditions and epidemiology consider these behaviors to be a central element in having a healthier and happier life.

Love is not a destination, but a direction. It is the only credible basis of human flourishing.