Philosophy

The Hidden Gifts of Helping

For several decades I have written and taught about the key expressions of benevolent love that affirms the lives of self and others, and is the grounding of moral and spiritual goodness. These expressions include:

1. Celebration is an acknowledgement of shared joy that positively affects people around us, and reflects gratitude.
2. Helping others in ways small and large, while setting an example of generous behavior for others.
3. Forgiveness frees us from inner turmoil and opens up the possibility of reconciliation based on meaningful apology.
4. Carefrontation addresses destructive behaviors in individuals and injustices in society while still maintaining an underlying concern for the well-being of everyone without exception.
5. Humor is the gift of reframing a situation with loving laughter. It’s just hard to imagine loving someone you can’t laugh with a bit. Mirth is the lightness of love.
6. Respect means taking others seriously in their opinions and life journeys, striving for genuine civility in discourse, and practicing basic etiquette in speech and behavior.
7. Attentive listening requires a focused and full presence, undistracted and unhurried.
8. Compassion is responding wisely to suffering when we see it.
9. Loyalty demonstrates the human ability to bond deeply and meaningfully with others. Commitments must sometimes be set aside, but never frivolously.
10. Creativity is the tool that allows unique, personalized expression of our love for others.

I have also been intrigued by spiritual people I have known over the years, from Jean Vanier to Dame Cicely Saunders, who have a special intuitive experience of a divine love that sustains their astonishing benevolent achievements.

All spiritual and philosophical traditions of value exhort us to move past the sense that “I am the center of the universe…” to a real concern for others as others. The individual needs to have confidence that “I am the right person at the right moment to do good to this person right beside me, and to everyone I encounter.” Plato was right – virtue really is it’s own reward. We tend to feel better when we live generously. In the words of Abraham Lincoln, “When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad.”

Even in the worst of times, we are people of inner love and good will, and bringing this forth saves us; not bringing it forth destroys us. Of course, we are bombarded by the “news” of hatred and wanton violence with all the nonstop updates that make it seem even worse. And so many websites and lyrics cultivate a culture of hatred that spirals ever downward, turning the hearts of otherwise good people into destructive and self-destructive darkness. So we all need to “keep our eyes on the helpers” who bring forth kindness despite harsh times.

I have worked in a medical school for 23 years and am convinced by a whole lot of good science that it’s good to be good. When we live at least as much for others as for self we discover a kind of fulfillment and wellness. It makes sense – spiritual traditions and epidemiology consider these behaviors to be a central element in having a healthier and happier life.

Love is not a destination, but a direction. It is the only credible basis of human flourishing.